On the seminary's motte...

Maybe it was the owl's gentle hooting. It could have been the gentle sway of the earth's tendrils, high above our heads as their leaves fell on us.  The flicker of the myriad of candles? Maybe.  I'm not sure exactly what it was but something shifted that night on the seminary's motte.  

    It had been eight months since the community at the Seminary of the Southwest gathered to break bread and drink wine.  For some, it was the first time they had joined the gathered body since starting their formation.  For the rest, it was certainly different than what they had experienced thus far.  That night we traded a chapel built by man, for a chapel built by God.  

Was it the birds chirping? Or the night insects making their no-rhyme-no-rhythm song? It might have been the moon giving us a silvery light.  I'm not sure exactly what it was, but something shifted that night on the seminary's motte. 

    The Eucharist points us to the mystical reality of the Trinity and it gives us a glimpse of what we will be doing once we have passed from this mortal life. The writer of Revelation in their fourth chapter gives us a glimpse of this heavenly worship.  Angels, animal-like creatures, the writer records substances like gemstones, fantastical fabrics all give shape to what one can expect when we make our way to our home.  Until then, we have the earthly physical reality that gives us a foretaste of that heavenly scene. I like to think of the Eucharist as a training session for what you and I will be doing for eternity.  

Stars that flickered the heavens?  The softness of the grass under my feet?  I won't forget the reverb of the sound off the stone creations.  I'm not sure exactly what it was, but something shifted that night on the seminary's motte.  

    A hymn that has been ringing through the ages wafted through the trees that night.  We opened our mouths and waves of sound shaped and twisted into a hymn.  It was then, looking around, while we came to the line "heaven and earth are full of your glory", that where once I would see windows and stones, I saw the trees, the birds, and the heavens dancing and celebrating their creator. I saw the faces of those who longed for that moment that eluded us for so, so long. 

And that night, on the seminary's motte I saw, for just a moment a fullness of that scene of John.  I saw heaven.  Hosanna in the highest. 

Get Wisdom

Proverbs 4:6-7

“Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.”

Wow! It’s been a little while so here is a quick update:

1. House is on the market. Need one?  We’ve got one we’d like to show ya!
2. July 1^st is a big day.  We get our housing assignment and financial aid information. 
3. We’ve been packing and packing and packing. Also, cleaning and giving stuff away. And selling stuff too!
4. Talking and gathering pearls of wisdom. See below

In my soon to be thirty years on this terrestrial ball, I have learned to listen and soak in the words and experiences of others.  Now, have I always applied what I’ve learned, no.  (ask my mother).  I was having a conversation with a priest yesterday about some minute detail of liturgy (because that’s who I am)  and he imparted some sage advice.  Soon after it got me to thinking, what else?  What other tidbits of advice is out there that we could pick up?  So far I’ve got:

One thing I have learned in 25 years as a priest is this. When your people experience your love for them, they will forget the rubrics and experience God in you. When they don’t experience your love, even the rubrics you know is right, will be wrong. At the end of the day after you become a priest, be present with people and care for people. Do not be lost in the details of rubrics. Everything else will work out itself.

Now it's your turn.  What else would you like us, seminarians, to know?

A hard lesson

Packing has commenced. House is being listed. Fundraising is in full swing. Yardsales are being planned. Everything is busy and I think this is why saying goodbye snuck up on me, on us, and has been the hardest part yet. About every other day Matthew and I have a story that involves the next and leaving something behind.

This is the part no one prepares you for.

It seems like yesterday we got our marching orders, find a seminary and visit. We did just that and in just a couple of months, we start our trek to Texas. Matthew and I both now have people in place to take over our jobs that we are leaving and they've been trained. We've started to let go of some of our responsibilities around St. Mark's, slowly moving out of ministries that we have been integral in for so long. In some ways a slow letting go, I think, is more traumatic and jarring than an abrupt end. Yes, it allows you to say a proper goodbye and transition things that need that kind of care, but it allows you to linger, to realize what is happening.

At first, I thought, this is rough and uneasy, almost hurtful but then I realized that leaning into this moment of letting go is beautiful. It hurts and it's scary but in letting go, you get to fall into something else. Our jobs will be fine, St. Mark's, too. Our friends and family will continue to live their lives. No one tells you that learning to let go of things is necessary, but it is.

Technology is fantastic for it allows us to set up a countdown clock to our move. Currently, it has us at two months and twenty-three days. Almost three months left to let things go.

Winnie-the-Pooh said it best when he quipped, “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” Us, too, Winne. Us, too.

Shameless Fundraiser Plug:
Would you mind looking at our video and consider giving?  Or possibly share our campaign on Facebook?

https://www.gofundme.com/agre8y-seminary&rcid=r01-155622431019-a3137f400cef4db9&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w 

The Commission

So who are you?

Happy Easter!  We made it through lent and here we are.  It's been a couple of weeks since I posted, but here is the next edition to the series of "How did we get here?!?"

In the Arkansas diocese, one of the last things that happen before postulancy is granted is a meeting with the Commission on Ministry.  This commission is comprised of both lay and clergy and they are tasked with interviewing potential candidates for Holy Orders. For me, most of them I knew of but did not know personally so it was slightly unnerving. What would they ask? How would I respond? I spent weeks going over in my head things I thought they might want to know or they might ask.  However, if I have learned anything during this process is that you should always expect the unexpected.  You never know where the Holy Spirit is going to lead.

I had a fantastic group with me that day that included my husband, my current priest and the priest that I had worked with for the past two years.  Even though I was surrounded by my group, I was still nervous.

Who are you?  That's what they wanted to know.  We talked about my call, my marriage and my experience at St. Mark's.  It was a really straight forward conversation, no trick questions.  Everyone there was there because they cared about me and the Church.  It didn't feel antagonistic or like an interrogation.

My advice is this:
1. You probably will feel nervous.  Embrace it.
2. Don't be afraid of saying I don't know or I hadn't thought about that.  I did a couple of times and followed up with a quick "this is my knee jerk reaction" response.
3. Be open and honest.

Next week seminary preparation!


Shameless Fundraiser Plug:
Would you mind looking at our video and consider giving?  Or possibly share our campaign on Facebook?

https://www.gofundme.com/agre8y-seminary&rcid=r01-155622431019-a3137f400cef4db9&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w 

Silence

Silence

It is often said that God speaks in silence.  Not a crashing voice, neon sign or by any other conventional means, but absence. I've often been asked, "How did you make it through such a long process?".  The answer: silence.

The discernment process, whether it was designed to do this or not, will instill patience.  It will instill the ability to live in the grey and become friends with it.

I alluded to in the previous post how at the end of my committee's final decision, I took a year off to figure out our relationship.  This was the longest year of my life.  Figuring out who I was, who I was in regards to our relationship and how this all tied into the discernment process.  Matthew and I eventually worked through our relationship issues and came out for the better.

The point of me sharing this is: discernment, like life, is usually messy.  Very few will experience a clean discernment process where something traumatic does not happen.  I often times felt alone and uncomfortable with dealing with the silence, the in between, the uncertainty.  Eventually, you become accustomed to it and you give way.  I didn't fully realize the way this silent period of my discernment process would affect me until my priest gave me insight.  What I didn't realize was that through Matthew and I reconciling our issues and building back our relationship, we were living exactly what I was called preach and live; forgiveness, grace, and reconciliation.

If you find yourself "stuck" look around, what seems like silence might actually be God moving you closer to your call.




Shameless plug for seminary fundraising:
Please check out our video and consider giving or sharing!

GoFundMe Link:
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Wait...How did we get here? Part III

Broccoli Cheddar Soup

Panera.  I love, well loved, their broccoli cheddar soup.  It seems as if they have changed their recipe in the last few months and it is lackluster, but I digress.  That's what I was eating when Susie and I sat down to come up with a list.  We are now to the part where we needed to put together a group of people who might serve on a committee.  My committee.  A discernment committee. Things were getting real. I received a lot of advice from a few people on who should be on the dais. I'll list below the most helpful:

1. Look for people who love you enough to tell you the truth. You don't want people who will gloss over issues or questions. They have to care enough about you to give it to you straight and you have to be prepared for this.  
2. Go diverse.  The more voices you have speaking truth to you the better off they are. Gay, straight, black, white, people who serve, people who attend, old, young and everything in between.  
3. Pick a couple of people who are not afraid to ask the tough questions.  This might naturally happen but these people will be invaluable.  They are going to be the ones who want to ask the questions that no one else does and you need that. 

So taking the above advice, that is exactly what we did.  The group that we asked to serve was AMAZING.  They didn't shy away from the tough questions and didn't hold back.  That's exactly what, I think, one needs in this scenario.  My priest at the time, Fr. Jesse, said, "You want to do the hard work now. Because when times start to get rough in seminary or after and you start to question yourself and your call, you can look back and see that work is already done."  Best advice ever.  I found that this was a rough time for me.  I felt vulnerable and uneasy about a lot of the questions.  If you feel this way, good.  Don't shy away from that feeling, embrace it and love it.  It's hard, but it's a good place to be.

My committee met for about six months and put together a really good snapshot of who I was.  The Diocese of Arkansas has put together a great program for discernment committees that you can find below.

http://episcopalarkansas.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/DiscernmentCommitteeOrientation.pdf

However, discernment isn't just about the committee getting together and talking through your responses to some questions, this is a great time to become even more active in the church.  Here are some things that helped me:

1. Find a way to serve every single Sunday.  Does your parish have vergers?  Become one.  What about Eucharistic Ministers?   Train up and become licensed.  Eucharistic Visitor?  Yup, that too.  Choir?  Sing until your little heart can't sing anymore.  Don't limit yourself to just one thing, do it all.  You'd be surprised how helpful it will be later.  
2. Meet regularly with your priest.  I was in a weird scenario where our rector received another call and we had a curate for two years.  The priest I started with is not the priest I'll end with.  Meet with them regularly.  Talk and ask questions. I often found that others could see God working where I couldn't. 
3. Don't have expectations.  THIS WAS HARD. The Holy Spirit will work on its own time, not yours and I found that out the hard way.  Having the committee confirm your call should be the last thing they do.  Go through the process with no expectations about the end result.  

Life will always happen during a discernment process.  For most people going six or eight months without something, major happening in one's life is rare.  For me, it was relationship issues.  There were a lot of things happening during this time, between work, family, and discernment it caught up with us. I'd say if you are in a relationship be prepared to talk these things through with your partner.  It's not only a change for you but for them, too.   After the committee finished their work I took a year off before moving forward to the next step.  All of that is o.k.  My Bishop was super understanding and was supportive during the entire process.


Next week...Silence.

Wait...How did we get here? Part II

The Process

It really isn't a secret how one becomes a priest in the Episcopal church.  They aren't whisked away from public life, molded and shaped and sent back out to do the work of God.  Discernment is an open process; never meant to be private. Each diocese has a little bit of a different process, but I will share with you what the Diocese of Arkansas does.

1. Aspirant- This is where we all start.  We aspire to one day be a priest or a deacon.  This is where the discernment of a call begins.  Last week and this week I will focus much of my posting about this part.  Conversations are countless, you convene and are convened by committees and one will do so much soul searching during this time that when it is all said and done, you will know more about yourself than you ever thought possible. This part is so important.  This is where tough questions are asked and searched and asked again.  This is where most of the hard work will be completed. 
2. Postulant-After all of the above is completed, then you apply to become a postulant.  For Arkansas, postulancy is granted by the Bishop after he or she reviews your entire discernment process feedback. Once granted, then comes the really fun part: education.  Here the Bishop will discuss with you the different options available and what he or she thinks would be best.  Once this is decided on, the postulant visits and applies at a seminary or enrolls into the IONA program if they are bi-vocational.  Once accepted you begin your formation.  During this time you are still in discernment and you will continue to meet with the Commission on Ministry. 
3. Candidacy- Towards the end of your education postulants apply for candidacy for Holy Orders for decan.  According to the cannons of the church, you first must be ordained a deacon before being ordained as a priest.  
4. Ordination- Like I stated above, first a deacon and then a priest. This is where the rubber meets the road.  You've discerned, you've studied and now you go into the world as an exemplar of grace.  

Now, all of this may look simple, but it isn't. There are so many steps that I've glossed over and left out.  To be honest, I once thought the process was cumbersome and a little much, but as time has gone on, I have learned that this process helps to ensure that people are actually called to ministry.  It helps build patience and helps you seek and hold on to the same grace that each of us is called to show. 

You can visit the link below to see more details about Arkansas' process.

https://episcopalarkansas.org/ordination/ 

The Talk
Now back to where we were. In the last post, I discussed my early discernment with my parish priest and now we come to the big talk, the talk that most who go through this process dreads.

The day had come for Fr. Jesse and me to take a trip to the diocesan office in Little Rock.  I'm not going to lie, I was scared.  Scared of the unknown and scared about meeting the Bishop.  Going through this process leaves you in a vulnerable place already but then having to go see the man or the woman in the miter just adds to the anxiety.  You have no idea what they are going to ask, even though your priest might go over some of the things that could be covered.  The trip to Little Rock is about two hours long.  We chatted all the way down there talking about life, parish activities and where things could be improved.  We finally arrived at the office and went in.  Immediately we were called into the Bishop's office. I don't know what I was expecting when I walked in; maybe a swinging light? Maybe a rapid-fire line of questions? A high bench as if the Bishop was a judge and I on trial? Whatever it was that I had built up in my head, it was the opposite. We sat down and the conversation began.  After a few minutes, my anxiety started to settle down and I stopped feeling like I was going to pass out.  We wrapped up the questions and discussion with next steps.  The Bishop gave permission to form a discernment committee to continue the discovery process of a possible call. 

With a sigh of relief that this part was over, we left and went for pizza.  I should say this: a talk with your Bishop is not meant to be like an interrogation.  They truly want to discover who you are and help you answer these mystical questions about that nagging feeling.  It's hard sometimes to remember that they too were once in the same position and understand how you might be feeling. 


Next week....People Who Love You Enough to Tell You the Truth